urbandictionary.com and I

never surf urbandictionary.com while you are in class. it doesn't end well. I discovered this today in my class. I was busy trying not to laugh at all of the UD definitions of dick cheney instead of paying attention to the lecture dealing with Hildegard von Bingen.that sucked because I totally dig her music and have it loaded in my iPod. however the cheneyisms were sweet.
also while surfing, I discovered many pimpisms for when I win the lottery and start my alter ego life of runnin hos. I shall be known as pimpmama. I can even have it printed on a mug, which clearly makes it legit. it would be even more so if I could have it on a t shirt. but hey, if I'm runnin hos I ought to be able to afford a tshirt. it shouldn't be too hard to find a t shirt place to do it. man, pimpin already aint easy.

crack open a cold one (purple AMP,that is)

I love being on campus when the bells of Century Tower ring. it gives me a very Londony feeling which is precisely what I need these days. I feel like I am in a state of super limbo. like I am last on the take off list due to some other airline's unknown issue. all of that is on me I know. I can't make the days go by faster so fall term will start. I can't make super editor work harder and faster and I wouldn't dream of asking it. I can't make the agents respond to my work faster, either. again, I wouldn't dream of asking. I just need to own my own impatience and take a step forward. that's where the purple AMP comes in. that is like mother's milk to me. you would think it would turn me in to Cornholio but it doesn't. it just makes me happy.

my day job

sometimes I wonder about my day job. it's a good job but some crazy messed up crap always seems to happen at least once a month that makes me question why I do it. I'll never forget when I had my portfolio review for readmission to UF and they asked me why I wanted to come back to the theatre when I had this entire career as a nurse. the next weekend one of the most traumatic emergencies happened and I thought , I want to go back to theatre because NO ONE STINKING DIES IN THE THEATRE LIKE IN A HOSPITAL. the stress is way more intense as a nurse. and the jokes are not as good. well maybe they are.

I need jokes and I need them NOW

today I made the mistake of watching one of my all time favorite movies, The Ghost and Mrs Muir. this is a old romance with Gene Tierney and Rex Harrison. I just love it but it wreaks havoc on my mind. this seems to happen to me when Maddy is gone or I am stressing.(see the posts about my one true love) oh and to make matters worse, the movie Same Time Next Year was on yesterday. that just about killed me because that movie has serious memory jogging ability and just tears me up. BLARGH! I knew I shouldn't have let them call me off today.
instead, now I will go and search the site www.urbandictionary.com and laugh myself silly. I wonder who comes up with those. pretty freakin funny. yes, it's not proper English but it puts a messed up smile on my face. it also prevents me from falling down a pit of no romance sadness, which I can easily do. in 1999, after a break up, I watched The English Patient like 20 times. not at once but in a week. the fact that Ralph Fiennes was in it was part of it but it was another of those romantic trigger movies. I am going to hide all of my dvds, change my iPod settings and block my tv from allowing any kind of romance from me until my shields are back up and fully operational. ohhh a star wars reference!!!

hey,what do I need to study to pass?

today I found out that I got an a on my exam in art history. most of the kids in my discussion group did less than stellar. I think they look at me like hell yeah you got a good grade.you were there when the art was made. poor kids. they are victims of the sweating knowing exactly what to study curse. what ever happened to listening to the lecture, doing the reading and then taking the test after studying your notes? apparently, that is long gone. oh well. hopefully, I will be able to keep up the momentum and get an a and boost my gpa.
sad thing is these kids should be able to get the material and get a good grade. they are young. I'm old and have been hit in the head a bunch of times. yeah, I've been on jeopardy and I can remember details and stuff but still. I think it is because I learned to study and actually learn differently than students now. they learn so they have tunnel vision for the material. that's bad because then they develop no critical thinking skills. and these kids are grade fixated. they obsess about their grades and honors. crap! nobody is dying because a b or c is earned. just check my transcript. if that were the case I would have carnage everywhere.

Hagia Sophia

holy wisdom. yeah okay so that isn't what gets peddled here but I love the sound of it. I love the building too. why am I mentioning this? well it could be because I am sitting in my art history class trying to pay attention but desperately failing. that's a shame because it is such a great class. I wish I could take it as one of those the world's greatest classes at home things that you get the catalog for. you know, the ones that are on dvd and look so great. it's just learning for fun. if I ever win the lottery, I'm doing that. just learning a bunch of cool things. it will be like watching a bunch of history channel, smithsonian tv, national geographic, and bravo with a bit of logo thrown in to keep it interesting. yep that is what I'm doing if I win the lottery.
back to reality in UF land, I did good deeds today helping people and little children today.Karmic snaps for me. gave me an awesome feeling to take on whatever may come today. clouds are gathering. my daughter is going to her daddy's for 2 weeks today and my manuscript is the discussion of a staff meeting at one of the agencies that currently is reviewing my work. needless to say I am scared and not focused. blargh. last night I even pestered my revered editor for her take on this bit of news. the meeting not maddy going to her daddy's. super editor said that it was more than likely a good thing because it meant my ms was good enough to present for commentary to the rest of the agency. still, I'm scared shitless. and I am kind of gearing myself up for a big ol' R.
happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts

trying to zen

I am trying to keep from wigging out wondering what is going on with my submissions. this is not an easy task for me because I am such a world champion worrier. but this is killing me. I finally gave up and sent an email to one agent who has a full because I found out from another agent who has a partial that my attachments are not opening correctly. that would be my luck that the attachment didn't work.
I am also yearning to see what work I need to do on my ms when my super editor finishes with it. trying to put it out of my head is next to impossible and my mind is racing because I am dying to get to work on it. sitting around waiting is not an easy task for me.
this is why I am only a buddhist wannabe. I absolutely do not have the discipline and trained mind to do it. I wish I did. actually I do in some aspects but when it comes to something that I am really into, I can't do it. I try but I can't. I keep hearing Yoda saying. Do not try. Do or do not. man that is a wise little dude. Hey maybe that makes me like the Luke Skywalker of authors with outstanding submissions.

in praise of vampires

I'd just like to take a second to give a shout out to my favorite paranormal creature the vampire. if you know me then you know that I have had a long standing love for these fabulous creatures. I grew up watching creature feature and all of the awesome hammer films productions of dracula with christopher lee. I was like 7 or 8 and I was hooked. my love carried over to dark shadows reruns,love at first bite, the lost boys, fright night and so on.
as I got older my vampire obsession kind of morphed into my own concept of what a vampire should be. above all, a vampire should be charismatic. they are powerful, seductive, magical and intoxicating. definitely sexual. and I don't think they are self loathing. that probably makes them narcissacistic but who among us doesn't experience moments like that.yes, he or she is a user of human beings but to me it is the same as humans using animals to survive. the blood drinking is incidental.
I love writing about them. maybe through them I live vicariously and act out my fantasies and desires. I think all writers do that. with vampires, you can take it to another level.
so I'll just close by sending a kiss to my vamps Sidney, Lauryl, Marta, Sasha, Carissa and the newest...Colette!you guys rock!

karma and the God damn bus

well, in a few weeks the fall semester starts. thank God. summer term is so lonely for an oldster like me. no theatre people ANYWHERE on the other side of the campus. just a bunch of kids. rotten kids and their music trying to beat me out for my seat on the 125. nobody ever tried that on the 117. these are the things that happen on the great social equalizer, the God damn bus. Yes this is a harsh moniker but nothing else would do it justice. I loathe the bus. man I wish I could get an orange parking decal again. having one of those is like flying first class. I could park so close to the theatre I could smell it. okay maybe that was the taco bell in the reitz union but still.you get my point. but no, I have a crap bag park and ride decal. not even a commuter decal. if I'm not commuting then who is? those damn pirates in PAS won't give me anything else. even though I am a shands employee and am entitled to a better decal. somehow, this must be a karmic debt thing I am working off.

and I'll call this one

so I am now working on my second novel, a sequel to my first. actually, it could serve as a stand alone novel too. I just figure that I need something to write while I wait this one out. I enjoy my characters so much that I want to see where else they can take me. I don't know what I am going to call this one yet. I never do until it is finished and even then I am at a loss.

sweaters for all!!!

if worrying was knitting, all my friends would have 10 sweaters each. I have a list of things that I am worrying about. it's a short list but I am still worrying. I hate that I worry so much about things. usually I do it over things I can't control but I still tear myself up.
I have to go to to court tomorrow in jacksonville and I have worried myself about sick about it. it is just a quick non felonious thing but I am still sick about it. part of it is I don't know what to expect but damn. and I am missing my art history exam so I will have to make that up.
all of those things then spin into a litany of other small things that maintain a constant feeling of edgy doom and concern and I HATE that.

the can of worms I have opened

so talking about the mystery one true love has been good for me. made me remember a lot of really tremendous times that were a huge part of my life. and he is not one of the boyfriends that ended up in my book.
yes, there are shades of ex boyfriends in my book. some are good and some not so much. hell, 2 get combined and killed. what a catharsis!!! and actually, they don't deserve the vague mention. they were lucky enough to be with me.
like bob hope used to say, thanks for the memories, old boyfriend who will be my numero uno until I take my last breath. you will always rock my world in the awesome unattainable way that I keep you. even if we talked everyday and I saw you more than once a decade, you would still be the one that I love but would never be with. that's all I am going to say about this and to quote a great man, Farmer Hoggett " that'll do,pig.that'll do."

stress induced longing

I don't know if it's because I am stressed or what but I have been giving my one true love a lot of thought. last night I had a dream about him. weird. now, this person is very married with children and that is that. and I don't even think I would be with him if by some crazy alternate universe chance he came to me and said ooo I love you let's be together. here's why. to me he is the most perfect thing in my mind. there is no way I would ever want to ruin it by being with him. it would be ruined because we would be like the war of the roses. we only did well in short doses. we were great vacay companions and took some of the greatest trips together. he is the one I embarrassed in no undies London, made worry about an international incident in Zurich, told me that Titanic would not be a hit in DC and took a picture of me in front of Mount Vernon that looks like I am wetting my pants. he was a great tour guide. probably still is but I don't know because he doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't get that but hey, that's on him. I like to tell myself it is because I am just so amazing and he has never stopped loving me and secretly pines for me as his one true love. that is a hefty dose of non reality but I dig it. it makes me look awesome and feeds my romantic side. and, have you seen me?!?!?DAMN!

Oh and snaps to my girl Ruthie Henshall as Fantine in Les Miserables singing I Dreamed a Dream.

wasting time waiting

today was a day that I wasted ruminating over the status of my manuscript. I'm still waiting to hear on a partial and a full and my super editor is hard at work. I feel like a teenage girl waiting for the cute boy in english class to call me. I have checked my email far too many times today and haven't started to study for my art history exam on monday.
I love my story. I do. I love the characters and think about them often. with my theatre background, I block out the scenes in my mind and hear their dialog. and I don't care that people post that vampire stories are overdone. mine isn't. it's different. no self loathing vegetarian vamps in sight or any goth studmuffins either.
just what I think is cool.
my vampire is awesome. imagine Alan Rickman as a vampire and there you have my main character. not every woman's dream( and I don't understand that) but sexy and charismatic. isn't that what a vampire is?

btw...

for my super rockin 40th(read loads of sarcasm) I didn't get any of the things I wanted. not even the soda drink hat. my girls tiffany and stefanie tried for AR but it didn't happen. I will have to be happy with stefanie's attempt to channel him and tiffany sending me an AR bumper sticker on fb. still waiting on an agent though. waiting patiently and with an eager heart. my super editor dorrie is working on my ms as we speak so I am not worried.