today I found out that I got an a on my exam in art history. most of the kids in my discussion group did less than stellar. I think they look at me like hell yeah you got a good grade.you were there when the art was made. poor kids. they are victims of the sweating knowing exactly what to study curse. what ever happened to listening to the lecture, doing the reading and then taking the test after studying your notes? apparently, that is long gone. oh well. hopefully, I will be able to keep up the momentum and get an a and boost my gpa. sad thing is these kids should be able to get the material and get a good grade. they are young. I'm old and have been hit in the head a bunch of times. yeah, I've been on jeopardy and I can remember details and stuff but still. I think it is because I learned to study and actually learn differently than students now. they learn so they have tunnel vision for the material. that's bad because then they develop no critical thinking skills. and these kids are grade fixated. they obsess about their grades and honors. crap! nobody is dying because a b or c is earned. just check my transcript. if that were the case I would have carnage everywhere.
holy wisdom. yeah okay so that isn't what gets peddled here but I love the sound of it. I love the building too. why am I mentioning this? well it could be because I am sitting in my art history class trying to pay attention but desperately failing. that's a shame because it is such a great class. I wish I could take it as one of those the world's greatest classes at home things that you get the catalog for. you know, the ones that are on dvd and look so great. it's just learning for fun. if I ever win the lottery, I'm doing that. just learning a bunch of cool things. it will be like watching a bunch of history channel, smithsonian tv, national geographic, and bravo with a bit of logo thrown in to keep it interesting. yep that is what I'm doing if I win the lottery. back to reality in UF land, I did good deeds today helping people and little children today.Karmic snaps for me. gave me an awesome feeling to take on whatever may come today. clouds are gathering. my daughter is going to her daddy's for 2 weeks today and my manuscript is the discussion of a staff meeting at one of the agencies that currently is reviewing my work. needless to say I am scared and not focused. blargh. last night I even pestered my revered editor for her take on this bit of news. the meeting not maddy going to her daddy's. super editor said that it was more than likely a good thing because it meant my ms was good enough to present for commentary to the rest of the agency. still, I'm scared shitless. and I am kind of gearing myself up for a big ol' R. happy thoughts happy thoughts happy thoughts
I am trying to keep from wigging out wondering what is going on with my submissions. this is not an easy task for me because I am such a world champion worrier. but this is killing me. I finally gave up and sent an email to one agent who has a full because I found out from another agent who has a partial that my attachments are not opening correctly. that would be my luck that the attachment didn't work. I am also yearning to see what work I need to do on my ms when my super editor finishes with it. trying to put it out of my head is next to impossible and my mind is racing because I am dying to get to work on it. sitting around waiting is not an easy task for me. this is why I am only a buddhist wannabe. I absolutely do not have the discipline and trained mind to do it. I wish I did. actually I do in some aspects but when it comes to something that I am really into, I can't do it. I try but I can't. I keep hearing Yoda saying. Do not try. Do or do not. man that is a wise little dude. Hey maybe that makes me like the Luke Skywalker of authors with outstanding submissions.
I'd just like to take a second to give a shout out to my favorite paranormal creature the vampire. if you know me then you know that I have had a long standing love for these fabulous creatures. I grew up watching creature feature and all of the awesome hammer films productions of dracula with christopher lee. I was like 7 or 8 and I was hooked. my love carried over to dark shadows reruns,love at first bite, the lost boys, fright night and so on. as I got older my vampire obsession kind of morphed into my own concept of what a vampire should be. above all, a vampire should be charismatic. they are powerful, seductive, magical and intoxicating. definitely sexual. and I don't think they are self loathing. that probably makes them narcissacistic but who among us doesn't experience moments like that.yes, he or she is a user of human beings but to me it is the same as humans using animals to survive. the blood drinking is incidental. I love writing about them. maybe through them I live vicariously and act out my fantasies and desires. I think all writers do that. with vampires, you can take it to another level. so I'll just close by sending a kiss to my vamps Sidney, Lauryl, Marta, Sasha, Carissa and the newest...Colette!you guys rock!
well, in a few weeks the fall semester starts. thank God. summer term is so lonely for an oldster like me. no theatre people ANYWHERE on the other side of the campus. just a bunch of kids. rotten kids and their music trying to beat me out for my seat on the 125. nobody ever tried that on the 117. these are the things that happen on the great social equalizer, the God damn bus. Yes this is a harsh moniker but nothing else would do it justice. I loathe the bus. man I wish I could get an orange parking decal again. having one of those is like flying first class. I could park so close to the theatre I could smell it. okay maybe that was the taco bell in the reitz union but still.you get my point. but no, I have a crap bag park and ride decal. not even a commuter decal. if I'm not commuting then who is? those damn pirates in PAS won't give me anything else. even though I am a shands employee and am entitled to a better decal. somehow, this must be a karmic debt thing I am working off.
so I am now working on my second novel, a sequel to my first. actually, it could serve as a stand alone novel too. I just figure that I need something to write while I wait this one out. I enjoy my characters so much that I want to see where else they can take me. I don't know what I am going to call this one yet. I never do until it is finished and even then I am at a loss.
if worrying was knitting, all my friends would have 10 sweaters each. I have a list of things that I am worrying about. it's a short list but I am still worrying. I hate that I worry so much about things. usually I do it over things I can't control but I still tear myself up. I have to go to to court tomorrow in jacksonville and I have worried myself about sick about it. it is just a quick non felonious thing but I am still sick about it. part of it is I don't know what to expect but damn. and I am missing my art history exam so I will have to make that up. all of those things then spin into a litany of other small things that maintain a constant feeling of edgy doom and concern and I HATE that.
so talking about the mystery one true love has been good for me. made me remember a lot of really tremendous times that were a huge part of my life. and he is not one of the boyfriends that ended up in my book. yes, there are shades of ex boyfriends in my book. some are good and some not so much. hell, 2 get combined and killed. what a catharsis!!! and actually, they don't deserve the vague mention. they were lucky enough to be with me. like bob hope used to say, thanks for the memories, old boyfriend who will be my numero uno until I take my last breath. you will always rock my world in the awesome unattainable way that I keep you. even if we talked everyday and I saw you more than once a decade, you would still be the one that I love but would never be with. that's all I am going to say about this and to quote a great man, Farmer Hoggett " that'll do,pig.that'll do."
I don't know if it's because I am stressed or what but I have been giving my one true love a lot of thought. last night I had a dream about him. weird. now, this person is very married with children and that is that. and I don't even think I would be with him if by some crazy alternate universe chance he came to me and said ooo I love you let's be together. here's why. to me he is the most perfect thing in my mind. there is no way I would ever want to ruin it by being with him. it would be ruined because we would be like the war of the roses. we only did well in short doses. we were great vacay companions and took some of the greatest trips together. he is the one I embarrassed in no undies London, made worry about an international incident in Zurich, told me that Titanic would not be a hit in DC and took a picture of me in front of Mount Vernon that looks like I am wetting my pants. he was a great tour guide. probably still is but I don't know because he doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't get that but hey, that's on him. I like to tell myself it is because I am just so amazing and he has never stopped loving me and secretly pines for me as his one true love. that is a hefty dose of non reality but I dig it. it makes me look awesome and feeds my romantic side. and, have you seen me?!?!?DAMN!
Oh and snaps to my girl Ruthie Henshall as Fantine in Les Miserables singing I Dreamed a Dream.
today was a day that I wasted ruminating over the status of my manuscript. I'm still waiting to hear on a partial and a full and my super editor is hard at work. I feel like a teenage girl waiting for the cute boy in english class to call me. I have checked my email far too many times today and haven't started to study for my art history exam on monday. I love my story. I do. I love the characters and think about them often. with my theatre background, I block out the scenes in my mind and hear their dialog. and I don't care that people post that vampire stories are overdone. mine isn't. it's different. no self loathing vegetarian vamps in sight or any goth studmuffins either. just what I think is cool. my vampire is awesome. imagine Alan Rickman as a vampire and there you have my main character. not every woman's dream( and I don't understand that) but sexy and charismatic. isn't that what a vampire is?
for my super rockin 40th(read loads of sarcasm) I didn't get any of the things I wanted. not even the soda drink hat. my girls tiffany and stefanie tried for AR but it didn't happen. I will have to be happy with stefanie's attempt to channel him and tiffany sending me an AR bumper sticker on fb. still waiting on an agent though. waiting patiently and with an eager heart. my super editor dorrie is working on my ms as we speak so I am not worried.
yesterday, old age and treachery overcame youth at the blood mobile. my hemoglobin was the only heme high enough to donate.my 40 year old 14.4 smashed their 18 year old 11.whatever. it was great. and i finished my donation in 7 minutes giving me time to haul ass over to my class. however, pulling 400 ml of whole blood off of me and the fast walking across campus did a serious number on me. I was completely fluid depleted and felt like poo the rest of the afternoon. so maybe my super heme was only super heme because I was dehydrated. since I only drink amp, cokes and unsweet tea, this is entirely possible.
okay so today in class my instructor puts a slide up of the ruins of Delphi and says this was in its heyday. then a kid says really? that's what it looked like? FAIL. and he got in to UF. anyway, how can I not be in better shape?5 days a week I trek a mile with a 8 pound pack on my back. WTF? the heat and the pack should count for something. maybe the cookies I eat cancel it out. or the purple amp.or the green gatorade. but I am not drinking sugar free anything. forget it.
my 40th birthday is friday. yippee. all I want are 3 things: 1) anything alan rickman. pics, movies, a worn shirt, a phone call etc. 2) a soda drink hat so I can put 2 purple AMP drinks in it and wear it at work and school. 3) an agent for PRIMIGENIO.this is as likely getting AR but I can ask.
my mom told me that she read a study that cussing was good for you. finally someone supports what I have been saying in very colorful language for years. I love cussing. I know people say that cussing is a sign of a low intelligence but that is not the case. in some circumstances there is no better word than the f bomb. the f word is awesome. it can show so many emotions.it is a verb, a noun and an adjective.it isn't that I can't think of another word.my vocabulary is RICH. it's that it makes a high impact. when you hear it, you know what is meant. and when you tack on the mighty mother to it... I don't have a problem with my daughter using the words even though she hears them frequently. I told her that you had to be a specific age to say certain words. this is a good idea. think about it. she is learning othere word instead, building her vocab before she adds cuss words. she follows this rule to the letter. I haven't had any problem with her letting a few go when they were well deserved. she seems okay with having to wait until she is old enough to use them. she is having a more difficult time waiting until she is old enough to have a Nintendo DS, which I consider part of the end of humanity as we know it.
today the stars we're not lining up for me. like always, it started fine. my test seemed to go well. then fortune left a cat turd on my mat. I was trying to enter my ms in the florida writers association contest and I didn't make it to the post office on time. such is life. next I have gotten a total of 3 no thank yous from agents today. no thank yous take the optimism out of me. I don't mind them when the straggle in. when they come in mulitples...that sucks.I am remaining positive and am keeping up the search. I know my story is good. I just have to find the right agent. I am working with a fab editor and I think we can tune up my story to something even more fab. maybe what is really bumming me is the approach of 40's death drum. I hear it louder by the hour. friday is the day. black friday, as I am calling it. I am thinking it will be another dull day, made worse by my turning 40. I think I will buy some manic panic and dye my hair purple.
yes, I have a messed up sense of humor.thank God. I laugh at the most inappropriate things. I can sit and think of funny things and start laughing. and I have been known to laugh so hard that, well, you get the idea. I laughed all the way through my cousins wedding. I was a bridesmaid and when the greek orthodox priest started singing, I just lost it. then the rest of the bridesmaids started. the best time was when I started laughing at the tower of london torture and punishment exhibit. there was an enlarged engraving of a crowd gathered for an execution and so many people came that the stands collapsed. the picture looked like a cartoon with a dust cloud and everything. I just lost it. the yeoman warder thought I was funny but my very serious friend didn't think it was funny. he was humiliated. I don't know why. we didn't know those people. I don't laugh at serious things like emergencies. in those situations my profanity filter disappears but I don't laugh. oh and my dramatic delivery increases. laughter is awesome!I feel sorry for people who don't laugh freely or have a sense of humor. they are missing out on a great part of life.
this is an awesome video from gator growl a few years ago and I dedicate it to the man who had the nerve to ask the city of jacksonville to curb the amount of alcohol sold on the weekend of the florida georgia game.I'm not advocating drunkeness but damn bernie. do you really want everyone to hate you?
driving to class, I got beat by a minivan. it gets worse. there was a little old lady driving it and there was a georgia tag on the van. it may as well have been a goat cart. I can't stand minivans. I call them grocery getters. to me they are symbols of giving up your youth and buying into the corporate suburban dream. that sounds a it militant but there it is. I will never drive one. even as I see my friends dropping to the siren call of them,I stand firm. or I ride firm. just so you know...I rock an escape hybrid.
today has been an off day. first a friend called me with awful news. I didn't know whether to skip class and go get her or what. next I got sick in the middle of class. fortunately I made it out. finally I was attacked by a huge ant mound. the ant mound thing was bad. it happened when I was thoroughly enjoying myself watching a step show outside of turlington hall. also there was a big 4 square game going that brought back tons of memories. then the cops showed up. they didn't do anything except look ominous because a large crowd of happy students gathered. I suspect the president of the university was behind it. he seems intent on crushing all attempts at fun at the university of florida.
so okay 40 is quickly creeping up on me. it's not so much getting older that scares or bothers me. I am fully committed to being the old lady at the nursing home who pees in the plants and the nurses and cnas bribe with mountain dew to take her medicine and get dressed. it's the thought of becoming uncool or out of touch that gets me. maybe that comes from not know what I want to do. more precisely wanting to do so much and not being able to make up my mind. right now i am finishing my costume design degree and trying to get an agent for my manuscript and get published. those are enough right now. especially the manuscript part. that is consuming me.
OK so last fall I went back to school. this was after my 34 semester break from the university of florida. the theatre department was kind enough to let me back in but I think it was partly because I can serve as a cautionary tale for wayward students. how much does that ROCK?!?!! I love being back in school and it feels like I have gotten part of my soul back.I am the oldest undergrad in the school of theatre and dance and i could be some of my classmates' mom but fuck it. each day on campus provides a new adventure for me. I'll just go ahead and get the ' we didn't have cool stuff like this when I was here before' thing out of the way. what I wonder is how much uf will change before maddy gets here.
True to my usual form, I didn't go to bed when I planned. I got an urge to record the little gems of my life for all to see. Most of the time, these are reserved for the few who have the good fortune and spirit to hang around me. So, I have cut the cake, so to speak, and now am ready to eat. ooohh man cake sounds good.