torpor in titletown

there has been so much going on with me lately that I wouldn't even know where to start. nothing cool or awesome. more grinding me down actually but I continue tot rudge on.

I am currently exhausted. seriously. my whole body is tired and that is the worst thing because it sets me up to get flu which half of the university of florida student body has. actually I feel like I am courting it but I am no position to miss any more school. I am tettering on just giving up to save myself but I am not quite there yet. especiallya fter last week's test cheating ordeal that I observed. I really was slapped with a serious dose of you are fucking forty,what do you think you are doing? are you nuts? this was disheartening and depressing.

on a lighter note,super editor was VERY encouraging on my rewrite and maybe I am not as lost as I thouyght I was. I was excited to be writing and the words were flowing like before and that briefly knocked me out of my torpor. Sidney and Lauryl are growing and meeting new people. (Thank you Alan RIckman for your unwitting help and just being such an awesome character model for me!

and the hits just keep on coming

another great day for me. I went to the doctor to find out about my foot and why it hurt so freakin much and I found out that it might be the result of an ankle surgery that I had 8 years ago. the doctor said that the surgeon, who ended up allegedly leaving town due to problems, performed my surgery questionably.nice. oh and the way that my foot will stop hurting is to have the surgery again and repair the damage from the first surgery. needless to say, I was very upset. just another adventure. sigh.
then I figured that I am going to need to drop one of my classes because I need more time to spend with Maddy. I seriously debated just stopping school period but then I changed my mind. my parents wouldn't let that happen. bleah. more stress.

get the can ready

well, I still am having problems with my daughter's teacher. I think the woman just doesn't like Maddy. she rides her like zorro on everything. I've already been to the principal about this but it just doesn't show any signs of getting better. I feel like Maddy has to be perfect in class or she gets in trouble. that's not fair or realistic for a second grader. it's really driving me crazy. I feel like I am not giving her enough attention in all of this because of my schedule and that makes me feel horrible. I have a conference with her teacher on thursday and am preparing two different approaches. one is very low key and sweet and the other is more open the can of whoop ass on her. I can't stand for her to be so harsh on Maddy. don't make momma mad!

2 chapters down

I've actually written two chapters of my rewrite. yay for me. but I have no idea if I am going in the right direction. it's very Sidney slanted and gives lots of exposition but I don't know if it is what it was lacking. I'm very proud of myself for getting this done. I've be adrift and not very focused on much the last 5 days. and my foot hurts. I need a huge does of Alan Rickman and my foot to stop hurting. I think that might get me going in the right direction.

no one dies in the theatre...they just fall off ladders and become exhausted

we have a show opening and it is slowly killing people apparently. Jessica, the costume designer fell off a ladder and wrecked her knee and now Jeremy and Kent the lighting and scenic designers are exhausted. Ah the theatre.

yay!!!!Halloween is coming!

counting down to my fAVORITE holiday in the entire world...Halloween. I just love it. I think about it a lot. I'd celebrate it all year long if I could. maybe that is why I love the theatre and costuming so much. seriously, I think in a past life I was from New England and was thrilled at the first turned leaf. bring on the pumpkins and scarecrows and haybales.

and now on a serious note...

I still am sick but am going to take a few minutes out to say farewell to the awesome Patrick Swayze. what a terrific actor,dancer person. I am glad his hard journey is over and he can now be at peace but I will miss his talent. I will miss him in Dirty Dancing. I will miss him in Ghost and I will miss him on Saturday Night Live doing the White Trash Bed and Breakfast. my heart goes out to his family and friends.
P.S. I cried so many times in Ghost. I loved it.
Rest Easy now Patrick.

sick...must write

today I feel like doo doo because I have an ear ache and I can't think. oddly enough I can think about my manuscript. probably because I imagine AR. anyway, I feel an urge to write so let me try to conquer my feelings of crappiness and do it.

Lauryl on campus

my people are talking to me again. today, while walking across campus, I saw 4 different Lauryls. or 4 girls who could be Lauryl. it was like seeing my character walking and talking with people. if that is not inspiration to write, then I don't know what is. of course I would never see her on a college campus unless she had figured some scheme line up a few meals. Anthony definitely but not her. now if I could only see Sidney up close and personal. sigh.
he has been trying to talk to me and Colette as well but it wasn't quite as jarring as seeing characterizations of Lauryl in the flesh. I have been trying to visualize scenes in my head a la theatre department and that has been helpful. seeing it as a designer. these scenes even have lighting, my arch enemy. but it is there creating ambience and defining character. I wish there was a way that I could transfer my visualizations into words. I have been doing something like that by writing down snippets of dialog but I wish I could do the same with narrative.

free lube with head

gets your attention doesn't it? sounds dirty doesn't it? but in all truth, it is an innocent statement that just about made me wet my pants laughing after I said it. isn't it great when that happens? it certainly gave me the endorphins I needed while I was being recertified in NRP for work. that is one less thing on my worry, get done list and one step closer to being able to write more. I am trying to walk a fine line in between writing and going to school and working and having a family and it is tough!!I am pooped!

the power of the dark side

apparently it is perceived that I am raising a wild bohemian child. or as her principal said, a abstract random child. whatever. yes, I have created a theatre kid. yes she is dramatic and emotive and creative and bright and that equals trouble in school for a 7 year old. I had a meeting with her principal today to discuss Maddy's teacher and the personality conflict that seems to exist.
I am hating that. I wish I could send her to a more free flowing school instead of the school that she goes to. there is nothing wrong with her school. it is the best in the county but I am worried about squashing creativity and her growth and thereby wrecking her love for learning. so I am faced with another instance where I have to stuff my views and feelings and also my childs for her future success. this is a hard road for me.

okay, this is funny

I thought I would start my post off with something pretty frickin funny. in my deepest dreams I always hope that somehow the amazing and awesometastic Alan Rickman will wander across my blog and and leave some random comment about how cool theatre is or how it's fab that I think he is delish or something like that. that's funny, isn't it? I figure it to be as likely as monkeys flying out of my butt. that would be remarkable.
hey I found out about another time suck website called texts from last night. that damn thing ate an hour of my day. I laughed so hard I cried. I needed it. although today many stupid things were disproportionately funny. I credit the purple AMP for that.
P.S. Alan Rickman, feel free to stop and read and comment because I know that it's highly likely that it can occur

OMG I thought they were dead

after a bad day yesterday, I am moving on for the positive. especially since I am rocking and awesome new do. I spoke to my super editor and I have adjusted my outlook on my rewrite/recreation of my ms. I am actually beginning to hear them talk again.(in the non crazy, scary way) and they are trying to start moving and open new ideas and storylines. it is really helpful in fleshing out the everyday life and back story for my characters. they are finally rising again and becoming real. I have missed that so much. I have missed Sidney and Lauryl and I am enjoying getting to know Colette more. I have really missed the dialog between my characters. I love dialog. sometimes I think I should have been a screen writer but I could never condense adventures into such a short space.
so today I have an improved outlook on life, despite the crazy bat I had words with at Publix yesterday. I just wrote her off as a piece of trash who doesn't deserve to be shopping at my Publix. and oh yes, that is my Publix.

the confessions of an undisciplined mind

for those of you who only know me through my blog...sometimes I let my more spiritual side show and flow.I'm not all AMP soda and longing for Alan Rickman. most of the time I am a big goof with impatient thoughts and crazy ideas,thank God , but today I dug a bit deeper and began to reflect on the death of my daughter's grandmother. it was extremely difficult trying to tell a 7 year old about death.especially when my own ideas of death are different from what the mainstream teaches. so I am sending this wonderful sutra into the ether and praying for the the peace of my family's soul.

my undisciplined, inappropriate humor self will be back later. probably with cussing and Alan Rickman.


In emptiness there is no form, no sensation, no thought, No activity, No consciousness.
No eye, nor nose, nor tongue, Nor body, nor mind.
No form, nor sound, nor color, nor taste, nor touch, nor objects.
No element of hearing. No element of vision, no element of smelling, No element of tasting, no element of touching, No element of consciousness.
There is no knowledge and no ignorance 'til we come to No old age and No death
And no extinction of old age and death.
There is no suffering, No accumulation, no annihilation, No Path
There is no Knowledge, no attainment and no realization.
Because there is no Attainment in the mind of the Bodhisattva who depends on
Prajna Paramita there are no obstacles, And going beyond Distorted views: He is Nirvana!
All Buddhas of the Past, Present and Future depend on Prajna Paramita to attain the
Highest Perfect Enlightenment.

I got nothing for ya today

well, today was not my day so basically I am showing up empty handed tonight so I thought I would show you a hot vampire picture. it was either this or another shot at Dick Cheney. ha ha! get it? shot?
anyway, I love this portrayal of Dracula. it's very sexy yet primal. this movie was incredible. I watched it last night after having the crap scared out of me while watching Quarantine. I get weirded out by movies that can really happen and I could just see something like that happening. I sat there watching, glued in terror to the tv. this has happened with movies like Hostel. they come on at like 3 am when I am awakened and insomnia is ruling. then I become hooked on the movie and watch it. I stay freaked out for days.
give me vampires and give them to me now. they are my people. they don't freak me out.

no one dies in the theatre

hard day(what else is new?)and I am exhausted.I figured out yesterday that it is like I am working 7 days a week. I am gone from my house everyday.no stinking wonder I am tired. well that and I don't take my vitamins and stuff and drink WAY too much caffeine. back to my rant...like I keep saying no one dies in the theatre. yeah things seem stressful but it is all relative. BELIEVE me.

plays well with others

so somehow I am managing to work on my rewrite.I wrote about 1k words yesterday. it feels like pulling teeth. well, at first it did but not so much now. the characters are starting to talk to me again but not quite like they did before. Sidney remains characteristically aloof. it's hard having a character who doesn't like to open up about stuff do just that. he definitely keeps his thoughts and feelings to himself. I am going to have to throw some shit at him to get him to open up. I'm trying to add more interplay with the vampires but my vampires aren't like others. their whole goal(thus far) is blending and surviving. they don't want to stand out so they just keep to themselves like rich recluses. maybe I am going to have to elaborate more on vampires in my world. maybe Marta's end goal is to bring vampires to the open. definitely Sidney is going to have to learn to play nice with the other vampires.

what would AR do

my arm hurts. my left arm.the one I had surgery on.the bionic one.the arm that I might live to regret having fixed.sigh.
anyway, I am still at loss about my rewrite.my arm hurting isn't helping. I'm not sure if it's writer's block or just not knowing what to do or where to start. I keep waiting for this thunder clap of inspiration.
any ideas?