sucking without the time suck

well damn, I say. how hard is it to buy a frigging house? I ask this because we cannot find a house to buy and settle into and this is making me INSANE. well let me qualify that. we find houses but then they don't accept our offer or someone steals the AC unit out of it and we have to withdraw our offer because the financing falls through. BOLLOCKS!!

I have been in a state of uproar for about 2 weeks now and my little psyche can't handle it. I feel like my skin is crawling and I am restless. oh, and I decided that I would stay in school but change my major to something that was less of a time suck. what am I 20? so now it's history, which was my minor. it's just flip flopping. actually the school thing is mirroring the house hunting situation. I am having to settle on my second choice and I hate it.

well, it's over

I Dreamed a Dream, Maybe This Time, The Movie in My Mind etc. all of the songs of what might have been from some of Broadway's long suffering characters. I notice that the tragic figures get the best songs. maybe I just identify with the tragic ones and remember their songs. anyway, my point being I am giving up on going to school. I have come to the horrible realization that I am no longer twenty and my major should be completed only by those who are twenty, without children and who don't have a job or other real world demands. like I said, it was a hard decision to come to but after finding out that we have to move and renovate a house, I just decided that it was no longer realistic for me to keep going. I'm okay with it. I got myself to this point so I am the one to accept it. I think I will hang my education dream up along with perfect one true love Dan and keep it holy and clean too.

are you f ing kidding me

well, the great news is I have been plugging along with my rewrite and it seems to be going well according to feedback from super editor. this is a tremendous weight off of my mind.I was beginning to wonder if I would ever get back in the groove of this rewrite. I have written about 20 pages and that is A LOT of pages. it has been difficult because I have been trying to fill in gaps and flesh out characters and provide details that I know in my head but apparently I was selfishly withholding from the reader. LOL. so I am trying to jam this out before I have to pack up to move. oh wait, I didn't pass that gem along? oh yes I have less than 30 days to pack the house and move. nice. so long school.

the nice thing is we are moving to a swell new property with a pond and 5 acres. and best of all a swell little building for me and my crafts and endeavors. YAY!

october RULES!

YAY! it's the first day of october and I love it!!fall and winter are my favorite seasons. I am definitely more of a cooler weather kind of girl. it inspires me and makes me feel creative. :)

torpor in titletown

there has been so much going on with me lately that I wouldn't even know where to start. nothing cool or awesome. more grinding me down actually but I continue tot rudge on.

I am currently exhausted. seriously. my whole body is tired and that is the worst thing because it sets me up to get flu which half of the university of florida student body has. actually I feel like I am courting it but I am no position to miss any more school. I am tettering on just giving up to save myself but I am not quite there yet. especiallya fter last week's test cheating ordeal that I observed. I really was slapped with a serious dose of you are fucking forty,what do you think you are doing? are you nuts? this was disheartening and depressing.

on a lighter note,super editor was VERY encouraging on my rewrite and maybe I am not as lost as I thouyght I was. I was excited to be writing and the words were flowing like before and that briefly knocked me out of my torpor. Sidney and Lauryl are growing and meeting new people. (Thank you Alan RIckman for your unwitting help and just being such an awesome character model for me!

and the hits just keep on coming

another great day for me. I went to the doctor to find out about my foot and why it hurt so freakin much and I found out that it might be the result of an ankle surgery that I had 8 years ago. the doctor said that the surgeon, who ended up allegedly leaving town due to problems, performed my surgery questionably.nice. oh and the way that my foot will stop hurting is to have the surgery again and repair the damage from the first surgery. needless to say, I was very upset. just another adventure. sigh.
then I figured that I am going to need to drop one of my classes because I need more time to spend with Maddy. I seriously debated just stopping school period but then I changed my mind. my parents wouldn't let that happen. bleah. more stress.

get the can ready

well, I still am having problems with my daughter's teacher. I think the woman just doesn't like Maddy. she rides her like zorro on everything. I've already been to the principal about this but it just doesn't show any signs of getting better. I feel like Maddy has to be perfect in class or she gets in trouble. that's not fair or realistic for a second grader. it's really driving me crazy. I feel like I am not giving her enough attention in all of this because of my schedule and that makes me feel horrible. I have a conference with her teacher on thursday and am preparing two different approaches. one is very low key and sweet and the other is more open the can of whoop ass on her. I can't stand for her to be so harsh on Maddy. don't make momma mad!

2 chapters down

I've actually written two chapters of my rewrite. yay for me. but I have no idea if I am going in the right direction. it's very Sidney slanted and gives lots of exposition but I don't know if it is what it was lacking. I'm very proud of myself for getting this done. I've be adrift and not very focused on much the last 5 days. and my foot hurts. I need a huge does of Alan Rickman and my foot to stop hurting. I think that might get me going in the right direction.

no one dies in the theatre...they just fall off ladders and become exhausted

we have a show opening and it is slowly killing people apparently. Jessica, the costume designer fell off a ladder and wrecked her knee and now Jeremy and Kent the lighting and scenic designers are exhausted. Ah the theatre.

yay!!!!Halloween is coming!

counting down to my fAVORITE holiday in the entire world...Halloween. I just love it. I think about it a lot. I'd celebrate it all year long if I could. maybe that is why I love the theatre and costuming so much. seriously, I think in a past life I was from New England and was thrilled at the first turned leaf. bring on the pumpkins and scarecrows and haybales.

and now on a serious note...

I still am sick but am going to take a few minutes out to say farewell to the awesome Patrick Swayze. what a terrific actor,dancer person. I am glad his hard journey is over and he can now be at peace but I will miss his talent. I will miss him in Dirty Dancing. I will miss him in Ghost and I will miss him on Saturday Night Live doing the White Trash Bed and Breakfast. my heart goes out to his family and friends.
P.S. I cried so many times in Ghost. I loved it.
Rest Easy now Patrick.

sick...must write

today I feel like doo doo because I have an ear ache and I can't think. oddly enough I can think about my manuscript. probably because I imagine AR. anyway, I feel an urge to write so let me try to conquer my feelings of crappiness and do it.

Lauryl on campus

my people are talking to me again. today, while walking across campus, I saw 4 different Lauryls. or 4 girls who could be Lauryl. it was like seeing my character walking and talking with people. if that is not inspiration to write, then I don't know what is. of course I would never see her on a college campus unless she had figured some scheme line up a few meals. Anthony definitely but not her. now if I could only see Sidney up close and personal. sigh.
he has been trying to talk to me and Colette as well but it wasn't quite as jarring as seeing characterizations of Lauryl in the flesh. I have been trying to visualize scenes in my head a la theatre department and that has been helpful. seeing it as a designer. these scenes even have lighting, my arch enemy. but it is there creating ambience and defining character. I wish there was a way that I could transfer my visualizations into words. I have been doing something like that by writing down snippets of dialog but I wish I could do the same with narrative.

free lube with head

gets your attention doesn't it? sounds dirty doesn't it? but in all truth, it is an innocent statement that just about made me wet my pants laughing after I said it. isn't it great when that happens? it certainly gave me the endorphins I needed while I was being recertified in NRP for work. that is one less thing on my worry, get done list and one step closer to being able to write more. I am trying to walk a fine line in between writing and going to school and working and having a family and it is tough!!I am pooped!

the power of the dark side

apparently it is perceived that I am raising a wild bohemian child. or as her principal said, a abstract random child. whatever. yes, I have created a theatre kid. yes she is dramatic and emotive and creative and bright and that equals trouble in school for a 7 year old. I had a meeting with her principal today to discuss Maddy's teacher and the personality conflict that seems to exist.
I am hating that. I wish I could send her to a more free flowing school instead of the school that she goes to. there is nothing wrong with her school. it is the best in the county but I am worried about squashing creativity and her growth and thereby wrecking her love for learning. so I am faced with another instance where I have to stuff my views and feelings and also my childs for her future success. this is a hard road for me.