trying to zen

I am trying to keep from wigging out wondering what is going on with my submissions. this is not an easy task for me because I am such a world champion worrier. but this is killing me. I finally gave up and sent an email to one agent who has a full because I found out from another agent who has a partial that my attachments are not opening correctly. that would be my luck that the attachment didn't work.
I am also yearning to see what work I need to do on my ms when my super editor finishes with it. trying to put it out of my head is next to impossible and my mind is racing because I am dying to get to work on it. sitting around waiting is not an easy task for me.
this is why I am only a buddhist wannabe. I absolutely do not have the discipline and trained mind to do it. I wish I did. actually I do in some aspects but when it comes to something that I am really into, I can't do it. I try but I can't. I keep hearing Yoda saying. Do not try. Do or do not. man that is a wise little dude. Hey maybe that makes me like the Luke Skywalker of authors with outstanding submissions.

in praise of vampires

I'd just like to take a second to give a shout out to my favorite paranormal creature the vampire. if you know me then you know that I have had a long standing love for these fabulous creatures. I grew up watching creature feature and all of the awesome hammer films productions of dracula with christopher lee. I was like 7 or 8 and I was hooked. my love carried over to dark shadows reruns,love at first bite, the lost boys, fright night and so on.
as I got older my vampire obsession kind of morphed into my own concept of what a vampire should be. above all, a vampire should be charismatic. they are powerful, seductive, magical and intoxicating. definitely sexual. and I don't think they are self loathing. that probably makes them narcissacistic but who among us doesn't experience moments like that.yes, he or she is a user of human beings but to me it is the same as humans using animals to survive. the blood drinking is incidental.
I love writing about them. maybe through them I live vicariously and act out my fantasies and desires. I think all writers do that. with vampires, you can take it to another level.
so I'll just close by sending a kiss to my vamps Sidney, Lauryl, Marta, Sasha, Carissa and the newest...Colette!you guys rock!

karma and the God damn bus

well, in a few weeks the fall semester starts. thank God. summer term is so lonely for an oldster like me. no theatre people ANYWHERE on the other side of the campus. just a bunch of kids. rotten kids and their music trying to beat me out for my seat on the 125. nobody ever tried that on the 117. these are the things that happen on the great social equalizer, the God damn bus. Yes this is a harsh moniker but nothing else would do it justice. I loathe the bus. man I wish I could get an orange parking decal again. having one of those is like flying first class. I could park so close to the theatre I could smell it. okay maybe that was the taco bell in the reitz union but still.you get my point. but no, I have a crap bag park and ride decal. not even a commuter decal. if I'm not commuting then who is? those damn pirates in PAS won't give me anything else. even though I am a shands employee and am entitled to a better decal. somehow, this must be a karmic debt thing I am working off.

and I'll call this one

so I am now working on my second novel, a sequel to my first. actually, it could serve as a stand alone novel too. I just figure that I need something to write while I wait this one out. I enjoy my characters so much that I want to see where else they can take me. I don't know what I am going to call this one yet. I never do until it is finished and even then I am at a loss.

sweaters for all!!!

if worrying was knitting, all my friends would have 10 sweaters each. I have a list of things that I am worrying about. it's a short list but I am still worrying. I hate that I worry so much about things. usually I do it over things I can't control but I still tear myself up.
I have to go to to court tomorrow in jacksonville and I have worried myself about sick about it. it is just a quick non felonious thing but I am still sick about it. part of it is I don't know what to expect but damn. and I am missing my art history exam so I will have to make that up.
all of those things then spin into a litany of other small things that maintain a constant feeling of edgy doom and concern and I HATE that.

the can of worms I have opened

so talking about the mystery one true love has been good for me. made me remember a lot of really tremendous times that were a huge part of my life. and he is not one of the boyfriends that ended up in my book.
yes, there are shades of ex boyfriends in my book. some are good and some not so much. hell, 2 get combined and killed. what a catharsis!!! and actually, they don't deserve the vague mention. they were lucky enough to be with me.
like bob hope used to say, thanks for the memories, old boyfriend who will be my numero uno until I take my last breath. you will always rock my world in the awesome unattainable way that I keep you. even if we talked everyday and I saw you more than once a decade, you would still be the one that I love but would never be with. that's all I am going to say about this and to quote a great man, Farmer Hoggett " that'll do,pig.that'll do."

stress induced longing

I don't know if it's because I am stressed or what but I have been giving my one true love a lot of thought. last night I had a dream about him. weird. now, this person is very married with children and that is that. and I don't even think I would be with him if by some crazy alternate universe chance he came to me and said ooo I love you let's be together. here's why. to me he is the most perfect thing in my mind. there is no way I would ever want to ruin it by being with him. it would be ruined because we would be like the war of the roses. we only did well in short doses. we were great vacay companions and took some of the greatest trips together. he is the one I embarrassed in no undies London, made worry about an international incident in Zurich, told me that Titanic would not be a hit in DC and took a picture of me in front of Mount Vernon that looks like I am wetting my pants. he was a great tour guide. probably still is but I don't know because he doesn't talk to me anymore. I don't get that but hey, that's on him. I like to tell myself it is because I am just so amazing and he has never stopped loving me and secretly pines for me as his one true love. that is a hefty dose of non reality but I dig it. it makes me look awesome and feeds my romantic side. and, have you seen me?!?!?DAMN!

Oh and snaps to my girl Ruthie Henshall as Fantine in Les Miserables singing I Dreamed a Dream.

wasting time waiting

today was a day that I wasted ruminating over the status of my manuscript. I'm still waiting to hear on a partial and a full and my super editor is hard at work. I feel like a teenage girl waiting for the cute boy in english class to call me. I have checked my email far too many times today and haven't started to study for my art history exam on monday.
I love my story. I do. I love the characters and think about them often. with my theatre background, I block out the scenes in my mind and hear their dialog. and I don't care that people post that vampire stories are overdone. mine isn't. it's different. no self loathing vegetarian vamps in sight or any goth studmuffins either.
just what I think is cool.
my vampire is awesome. imagine Alan Rickman as a vampire and there you have my main character. not every woman's dream( and I don't understand that) but sexy and charismatic. isn't that what a vampire is?

btw...

for my super rockin 40th(read loads of sarcasm) I didn't get any of the things I wanted. not even the soda drink hat. my girls tiffany and stefanie tried for AR but it didn't happen. I will have to be happy with stefanie's attempt to channel him and tiffany sending me an AR bumper sticker on fb. still waiting on an agent though. waiting patiently and with an eager heart. my super editor dorrie is working on my ms as we speak so I am not worried.

old age and treachery rocks

yesterday, old age and treachery overcame youth at the blood mobile. my hemoglobin was the only heme high enough to donate.my 40 year old 14.4 smashed their 18 year old 11.whatever. it was great. and i finished my donation in 7 minutes giving me time to haul ass over to my class. however, pulling 400 ml of whole blood off of me and the fast walking across campus did a serious number on me. I was completely fluid depleted and felt like poo the rest of the afternoon. so maybe my super heme was only super heme because I was dehydrated. since I only drink amp, cokes and unsweet tea, this is entirely possible.

really?...no really?

okay so today in class my instructor puts a slide up of the ruins of Delphi and says this was in its heyday. then a kid says really? that's what it looked like? FAIL. and he got in to UF.
anyway, how can I not be in better shape?5 days a week I trek a mile with a 8 pound pack on my back. WTF? the heat and the pack should count for something. maybe the cookies I eat cancel it out. or the purple amp.or the green gatorade. but I am not drinking sugar free anything. forget it.

for the big 40 I want

my 40th birthday is friday. yippee. all I want are 3 things:
1) anything alan rickman. pics, movies, a worn shirt, a phone call etc.
2) a soda drink hat so I can put 2 purple AMP drinks in it and wear it at work and school.
3) an agent for PRIMIGENIO.this is as likely getting AR but I can ask.

sentence enhancers

my mom told me that she read a study that cussing was good for you. finally someone supports what I have been saying in very colorful language for years. I love cussing. I know people say that cussing is a sign of a low intelligence but that is not the case. in some circumstances there is no better word than the f bomb.
the f word is awesome. it can show so many emotions.it is a verb, a noun and an adjective.it isn't that I can't think of another word.my vocabulary is RICH. it's that it makes a high impact. when you hear it, you know what is meant. and when you tack on the mighty mother to it...
I don't have a problem with my daughter using the words even though she hears them frequently. I told her that you had to be a specific age to say certain words. this is a good idea. think about it. she is learning othere word instead, building her vocab before she adds cuss words. she follows this rule to the letter. I haven't had any problem with her letting a few go when they were well deserved. she seems okay with having to wait until she is old enough to use them. she is having a more difficult time waiting until she is old enough to have a Nintendo DS, which I consider part of the end of humanity as we know it.

amendment to my stance on grocery getters

MAYBE getters would be cool if you had skulls and flames painted on the side. or you had Shaggin Waggin painted on the side.

a cat turd on life's mat

today the stars we're not lining up for me. like always, it started fine. my test seemed to go well. then fortune left a cat turd on my mat. I was trying to enter my ms in the florida writers association contest and I didn't make it to the post office on time. such is life. next I have gotten a total of 3 no thank yous from agents today. no thank yous take the optimism out of me. I don't mind them when the straggle in. when they come in mulitples...that sucks.I am remaining positive and am keeping up the search. I know my story is good. I just have to find the right agent. I am working with a fab editor and I think we can tune up my story to something even more fab.
maybe what is really bumming me is the approach of 40's death drum. I hear it louder by the hour. friday is the day. black friday, as I am calling it. I am thinking it will be another dull day, made worse by my turning 40. I think I will buy some manic panic and dye my hair purple.