the confessions of an undisciplined mind

for those of you who only know me through my blog...sometimes I let my more spiritual side show and flow.I'm not all AMP soda and longing for Alan Rickman. most of the time I am a big goof with impatient thoughts and crazy ideas,thank God , but today I dug a bit deeper and began to reflect on the death of my daughter's grandmother. it was extremely difficult trying to tell a 7 year old about death.especially when my own ideas of death are different from what the mainstream teaches. so I am sending this wonderful sutra into the ether and praying for the the peace of my family's soul.

my undisciplined, inappropriate humor self will be back later. probably with cussing and Alan Rickman.


In emptiness there is no form, no sensation, no thought, No activity, No consciousness.
No eye, nor nose, nor tongue, Nor body, nor mind.
No form, nor sound, nor color, nor taste, nor touch, nor objects.
No element of hearing. No element of vision, no element of smelling, No element of tasting, no element of touching, No element of consciousness.
There is no knowledge and no ignorance 'til we come to No old age and No death
And no extinction of old age and death.
There is no suffering, No accumulation, no annihilation, No Path
There is no Knowledge, no attainment and no realization.
Because there is no Attainment in the mind of the Bodhisattva who depends on
Prajna Paramita there are no obstacles, And going beyond Distorted views: He is Nirvana!
All Buddhas of the Past, Present and Future depend on Prajna Paramita to attain the
Highest Perfect Enlightenment.

I got nothing for ya today

well, today was not my day so basically I am showing up empty handed tonight so I thought I would show you a hot vampire picture. it was either this or another shot at Dick Cheney. ha ha! get it? shot?
anyway, I love this portrayal of Dracula. it's very sexy yet primal. this movie was incredible. I watched it last night after having the crap scared out of me while watching Quarantine. I get weirded out by movies that can really happen and I could just see something like that happening. I sat there watching, glued in terror to the tv. this has happened with movies like Hostel. they come on at like 3 am when I am awakened and insomnia is ruling. then I become hooked on the movie and watch it. I stay freaked out for days.
give me vampires and give them to me now. they are my people. they don't freak me out.

no one dies in the theatre

hard day(what else is new?)and I am exhausted.I figured out yesterday that it is like I am working 7 days a week. I am gone from my house everyday.no stinking wonder I am tired. well that and I don't take my vitamins and stuff and drink WAY too much caffeine. back to my rant...like I keep saying no one dies in the theatre. yeah things seem stressful but it is all relative. BELIEVE me.

plays well with others

so somehow I am managing to work on my rewrite.I wrote about 1k words yesterday. it feels like pulling teeth. well, at first it did but not so much now. the characters are starting to talk to me again but not quite like they did before. Sidney remains characteristically aloof. it's hard having a character who doesn't like to open up about stuff do just that. he definitely keeps his thoughts and feelings to himself. I am going to have to throw some shit at him to get him to open up. I'm trying to add more interplay with the vampires but my vampires aren't like others. their whole goal(thus far) is blending and surviving. they don't want to stand out so they just keep to themselves like rich recluses. maybe I am going to have to elaborate more on vampires in my world. maybe Marta's end goal is to bring vampires to the open. definitely Sidney is going to have to learn to play nice with the other vampires.

what would AR do

my arm hurts. my left arm.the one I had surgery on.the bionic one.the arm that I might live to regret having fixed.sigh.
anyway, I am still at loss about my rewrite.my arm hurting isn't helping. I'm not sure if it's writer's block or just not knowing what to do or where to start. I keep waiting for this thunder clap of inspiration.
any ideas?

epic fails and no motivation

so of my rewrite I have written about 900 words. I have absolutely no fucking clue where to start. and what I have written I don't actually like because it feels awkward. I keep rereading what super editor wrote but I can't or don't know how to start. it feels like I have no motivation. before during my second write, I finished in about 2 months. the inspiration was jamming and the characters basically took over, especially Sidney. in fact, that's part of the problem. he took over the damn story. his part of it became way more intriguing or the potential for being intriguing than the first part. now I always kind felt that way because I totally wanted to get to the vampire stuff but I had to lay the scene. so the editor said start closer to the vampire stuff and trickle the back story in. easier said than done. it feels like I can't just put this character out there without any context. I know that's how you do it but it is so stinking hard. and I am having a crap time trying to formulate a revised outline. my outline seems just to be a bunch of sentences. then I get distracted and have snippets of dialog pop into my head and then I end up writing those down instead. I currently have a typed page of just random dialog that came to me. the lines remotely relate to scenes but I'm hoping that maybe those will turn into road signs that will direct me to where I need to fill in. especially since I have chopped out about 9k words and have only replaced them with 900.
oh, now let me qualify...I am only having major difficulty with the first part of the manuscript. the fleshing out of the characters and revealing intent isn't a prob. I knew that needed to be done before super editor told me that. just like I knew Sidney had stolen the book.

more about this guy...well not this guy but who I picture my mc as

so today more good news. my super editor and I agreed that what my book is really about is a coming of age story for a vampire. now I need to change the pov to his which means a rewrite of the first half plus add to holes in the plot that were there.
this is good and bad. it's good because I think it would allow more of Sidney to shine and he is a complex and awesome character.
the bad is the obvious. more work. :( maybe tomorrow I will feel better.

ohhhhhhhhh I SUCK

I heard back on my full and I suck. it was judged that my ms was not strong enough or unique enough for today's competitive market. sigh. so now I am going to have to come up with some sort of gimmick or whammy to throw in. frankly I felt that my story was unique. it is at least to british readers. damn. hmmm.
I finally got my medication. I still plan on switching doctors. this experience has just sealed the deal. the medication experience.not the manuscript experience.

THANKS!

the AWESOMETASTIC cipherqueen has honored me by nominating me for this!!

Here's the rules.
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might not know.
5. Nominate other Bloggers.
6. Post links to the blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.

again, thank you so much cipherqueen!!you are an amazing friend on QT and your love of numbers is magical. she is a renaissance woman! AND she plays the violin! you should visit her blog and check out her writing.you too will be blown away! cipherqueen.blogspot.com

telling people things about me that aren't already widely known is HARD!!!
1 I wish I could move to London
2 I have a stupid sense of humor
3 technology scares me
4 i facebook like an 18 yo
5 nerds get me hot
6 I wish I could do physics
7 I have internal flip outs frequently

and the nominees are
potent potables lizzy mason
Hairdye&samurai cole gibsen
shooting stars suzette saxton

HFS my bookbag is heavy!

ok so I got 3 of my books and my bookbag weighs about 20 pounds. no lie. and I hauled my ass half a mile across campus in the 90 degree 90% humidity to my class. this is no easy friggin trick at age 40. right now I am in my theatre history class which is quickly turning into a free for all stand up comedian thing.which is AWESOME but the professor who usually teaches this would SHIT because he is this brilliant german scholar. anyway the class is shaping up to be great. the kids in it should make it a blast

cheating on my doctor

well, I have decided to have an affair on my longtime doctor who I have been with for over 13 years. I have been driven to it by the crappiness of the office staff and the feeling of being less valued as a patient. this is a big bag of bullshit because I have been his patient so long that it is crazy and I am a private patient as well as an employee. nothing seems to count for anything these days. you are with someone for years through good and bad and look what happens. this person knows me inside and out.literally. 4 pregnacies of which only one produced a viable baby. countless laps, hormones( holy shit hormones), birth control hell, and a hysterectomy.I didn't get my bladder hauled up from my knees but oh well.
will this daliance be the end or will I go back?who knows but I am definitely seeking attention elsewhere. maybe there they will treat me like the awesome high maintenance patient that I am. actually I am not high maintenance now because all my problems are solved. the next doctor is getting a gem!lucky ducky!

yay serotonin!!

I have a tshirt from the awesome cloth moth clothing with that written on it. I have just about worn it out.the neck is worn out. I just love the whole idea of it. actually I love serotonin. today I needed a huge dose of it because my effexor just wasn't keeping it flowing in my brain. damn chemicals!
today I took my daughter to meet her teacher and I felt like I was going to the last choice sorority on bid day. that sounds ridiculous but I think I was more disappointed than she was. I knew the other mothers were with their happy kids who got their first choice for teacher. however my child didn't make it to the pref of her choice and get a bid from the house of her choice. she is too young to understand and see that but I do. maybe I am putting too much into social relationships or whatever but I still do not understand how classes were chosen and how some kids got their choices and mine didn't. now she is stuck in a class with kids she doesn't know that well and all of her friends are in another class. it's like the 2000 election all over again. I wanted al gore and got stuck with that other guy.

overwriting leads to overreaction

well, true to my over reacting nature my ability to I am questioning my ability to write. I made the mistake of reading some more critiques and immediately wanted to shred my manuscript and start over. this apparently not sane thinking. super editor told me as much. after taking a step back, I agree. I have got to stop flipping out and listening to only those who matter and not every other person who thinks that their opinion is golden. the old saying opinions are like ass holes is oh so true. some just like showing their's more than others.

me and my bubble

I wish sometimes that I lived in a bubble and was immune from criticism and downright meaness.
this is all in relation to my novel. or at least on one site where I have 250 words posted. deep cleansing breath in...blow it out... and refocus. this does not apply to authonomy where I get lots of awesome feedback and critiques. I'm not saying that I want everything sugar coated. I simply want honest and constructive criticism. there is a difference. I realize writing is a big business and not everyone is nice. I am fully prepared for their opinions and feedback. I am no stranger to it. I am a costumer. criticism and rejection is like mother's milk.
on a lighter note, maddy and I baked a peach pie. it was awesome. the baking part. I didn't eat any of the pie. we baked it for my mom. she said it was delish though.

how can this be so sexy?I"M DYIN!!!

OH MA GAWD! I was surfing the fangirl sites browsing for whatever when I came across this. I actually meowed when I saw this and took it all in.literally. almost had to take a break. so many filthy, yummy thoughts ran through my mind. I will never look at a field fence pole the same way. I thought, I'm just about that height. I wish it was me. sigh.